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  • Writer's pictureLisa Shouldice

When Love Requires Compassion: A Guide to Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

BPD how do I know I am dating a person who

#Dating a person that has #BPD is #intense.

Please note that there will no trashing people

that have this diagnosis here. I work with

many individuals and people that are part of

a couple dyad, come in with a family

member, etc. that have BPD. This is about understanding,

#compassion and becoming conscious in our

#coupling whether you have BPD or are in

#love with someone that does.

#Intense ? Wow! This person adores you

quickly and figures out how to love you the

way you want, meet your needs so you will

stay. THAT is the main goal. So the

#connection is real. So this likely feels like you

met the person of your #dreams . They are

exciting, loving, doting, emotionally insightful

and the #sex is great. Then...

Fear of losing this wonderful connection

takes over, usually fairly quickly. They really

want you to stay. They often struggle with

how #intense their #feelings are and how to

express them in a way that can be received.

So there is a lot of lability, or #extrememoods .

So REALLY angry, REALLY loving etc. This

is a lot to be on the receiving end of in the

moment. You may really want to stay, but

find it increasingly impossible as accusations

and #jealousy begin. There may be seemingly

outlandish stories of health issues and

relationships ex. They may refer to personal

trauma histories and self-harm. They may

feel victimized by everyone in their lives. You

may start to notice lies and extreme

exaggerations that make you go Mmmm....

If you start to call this out, unfortunately the

#relationships often fall apart, especially as

angry, intense outbursts increase. People

with BPD have an unstable self-concept and


You may decide you want it over and find it

hard to get out, feel manipulated and pulled

back in. They want to you to stay.

Unfortunately you may simply need to ignore

the pulls and stop #communication altogether.

Get help from family, friends &//or a


What if I want to stay? I've never been so

understood, seen and had such great sex. I

want this challenging relationship. It is far

from impossible to be a healthy person with

BPD. They come to my office. They want

love and connection. They may also fear it

and expect you to hurt them/leave. So get

support. In a group, with a therapist to talk

through what is normal, what is not. To work

on healthy communication and boundaries.

De-brief and review along the way. Forgive

each other too. And try again. Some people

want an easy relationship that is organic and

a back bone to life. Some people want to live

on the edge of something intense and

incredible . It may be challenging but it

makes you feel alive. But you will need to

work together to make it healthy.

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