
When we decide life has gotten harder and need to put some time and attention into healing, we become very aware of what we need to feel safe in choosing a therapist. Most of us know we want a therapist that is specialized in whatever issue we bring ex. Trauma, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) as this is so necessary to meet our therapeutic goals. But what about our personal identify? If you identify as a person of colour, do you need a therapist with that same identity to feel safe and seen? Understood? Is a therapist you like and feel connected to enough?
I especially want to bring attention to LGBTQAI2S identifies as I am part of this community and work within it extensively. There are many very personal identities within this community and all have a unique story. When finding a therapist is it enough if they are non-judgmental? What if they are a part of the community but don’t have the same identifier ex. They identify as gay but are not of trans experience?
This is really important to consider as we choose our guide in the healing process. It may seem less important if you are requesting services for Depression and your identity is not the major reason for needing help ex. You have completed your gender journey. But sometimes as we talk and unpack our symptoms, trauma and core beliefs around our identity come up that need processing. You may then become more aware of your therapist’s reactions and whether they get you and the inherent trauma and particularities of being part of the LGBTQAI2S community.
What’s the difference? I have a Masters degree in couple counselling and work with couples and various relationships/families often. I have found that what is great about the therapist community is there is a lot of non-judgmental people, incredible for finding emotional safety. However there are inherent biases in theory and practice that I have learned, we all have (as well as the personal biases we all carry). When I was in university and we were learning to assess a couple &/or relationship to determine what is needed, these biases became really apparent. We are trying get a sense of what is needed to support a couple to better health and relationship satisfaction. However, some of these are inherently hetero-normative.
One example is the idea of an Enmeshed couple. This refers to a couple that is so close they focus on each other’s needs at the expense of themselves and their own needs. As part of the lesbian community and with the lesbians I work with, this simply does not fit. Woman are socialized to put a lot of time and energy into their relationships, self-sacrificing. This includes being aware of each others needs and can result in care-taking behaviour. This is a natural and healthy piece to a relationship that includes two women. This is not an enmeshment that lesbian couples report as challenging or unsatisfying for them.
Another example is when I work with gay men. These partnerships have their own idiosyncrasies and needs as well. Men are often socialized to be independent and not socialized to talk about emotions and feelings the same way woman are, &/or may process less verabally. This can result in gay relationships looking very avoidant if we use hetero-normative concepts. Avoidant attachment refers to avoiding intimacy, commitment and talking about hard feelings. I find this is true of the majority of gay relationships and gay men, for the reasons mentioned above. So using hetero-normative standards can be erroneous and even harmful, creating the wrong expectations. Members of the LGBTQAI2S community are not less healthy, assessment needs tend to be different as the experiences and needs are different.
Open relationships and polyamorous relationships are also more common in the LGBTQAI2S community. In hetero-normative communities this can often be judged as unhealthy and monogamy as an ideal, a healthy desire to be strived for rather than simply one way to connect. Polyamory is a perfectly healthy, different way to love and connect, meeting varied needs.
There is a difference in a therapist being non- judgmental and being a part of, understanding the lived daily challenges of being LGBTQAI2S. However, there are also therapists that are allied and highly specialized, trusted in our community. These therapists may seek out training and supervision to ensure they know what they are doing and to ensure they do not cause harm to our community. This is important due to inherent hetero-normative biases that can be so harmful to our community. So reflect on what you need to feel safe. Meet lots of therapists if you need to do so. Working on mental health is so important and knowing what you need can avoid losing precious time in meeting your goals.
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