I introduced the idea of what a Conscious Couple in Counselling is last week and the related value
system. This is a newer concept that refers to a couple that is committed to building and
growing together. Now let’s talk about the how and executing goals, together as a
couple.
The major initial goal and first step for a Conscious Couple is to take care of each other
and the relationship. This will need to include time to sit together and get to know what
factors come up in intimacy and conflict for each of you. So have conversations about
your past(s) and how it impacts you.
What attachment style(s) do you have?
Has your life made it hard to be close to others so you have an Avoidant Attachment style and
find you shut down in conflict or avoid it altogether?
Do you feel anxious in attachment,
afraid of losing your partner, afraid their love will not last, finding yourself feeling fearful
and jealous?
Or do you have an Ambivalent or Disorganized attachment in which you
crave intimacy, bond quickly but it never seems to work out? You end up feeling
disappointed and may distance yourself, for self-protection?
These are examples of relationship scripts and related core beliefs that we develop around attachment and intimacy that gets created in our formative relationships as children. We wire to our caregivers to survive but some of these scripts are toxic in later adulthood, if we come
from unhealthy families.
Do you fall into feeling victimized in conflict as you witnessed
this in your mother as a child?
Do you get angry, yelling when your needs are not met
as this was modeled for you?
Do you hear criticism where it is not intended as you had
a critical caregiver?
Start by having conversations as a couple so you know each others
likely struggles and relationship triggers/pitfalls. Try to be open to supporting each other
and sharing observations in a loving way. Then you can incorporate this into the next
step.
Next step, create time approximately monthly to talk about how you feel the relationship
is going. Are your needs being met?
Do you find your partner is mean in disagreements and you want space to address it?
This is the space to do so with the goal of shaping
healthy, safe interactions with each other. You are potentially trying to do things
differently than you learned in your childhood homes. You are a team in this. You may
not communicate perfectly, so give permission to try things out and revisit as needed.
I would also get together to chat after conflict . This is to re-bond and talk about how you
did in your disagreement.
What could have been better?
What stayed with you and hurt your feelings?
Do you need something clarified?
What do you need to feel better so you feel the emotional hangover after a fight is behind you?
Just to be heard?
Do you want to have a concrete thing to try to do it differently next time?
Do you need space for reflection?
Do you need to cuddle and have sex?
How do you deal with the seemingly incompatible needs here?
How do you compromise?
The goal in Conscious Coupling is also to be healthy together so you can be optimal in
your mental health. Then you can direct your energy to the communities you live in and
the health of others with as clear a mind and spirit as possible.
You can decide how you want to contribute as a couple or try individual hobbies, meeting individual goals, feeding your own interests knowing your partnership is safe and secure. You have a soft place to land and a partnership that brings out the best in both of you. Talk about these goals together and create a passion for new ways to give back.
For more please follow Lisa on Instagram @LisaShouldice where she talks about more about couples, Holistic therapy, spirituality, and even how to have a better sex life.
Visit https://www.lisashouldice.com/couples-therapy-toronto to work with the Lisa Shouldice Psychotherapy clinic
To learn more about Attachment Styles https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/