Common Couple Dynamic Patterns

There are a number of common couple dynamic patterns identified by couple therapists, specifically emotion-focused couple therapists.

Identifying one of these dynamic patterns is the first step to de-escalating dysfunctional communication, which blocks your ability to connect with your partner.

A lot of these concepts were created, researched and taught to couple therapists by Dr. Sue Johnson Website

Read on and see if any of these patterns plague your current or past relationships, sounding familiar.

Common Couple Dynamic Patterns: Pursue-Pursue

This describes a communication style that may feel chaotic and highly conflictual including intense arguments. The driving force is needing  to be heard and possible power dynamics.

Power dynamics do not necessarily mean a person in partnership strives to be “right”, but rather may want to maintain personal power in a relationship that feels vulnerable. People may fear losing their sense of self in an intense emotional connection. These power struggles tend to manifest in the earlier relationship development phase for partners.

Pursue-pursue describes both partners bringing an attack style to communication, resulting in increased stress, autonomic nervous system arousal and, eventually, hurt feelings and frustration due to not feeling understood or seen.

This pattern can include periods of intense re-bonding to get back on track, to feel reconnected. This can be addictive and problems still don’t get resolved.

Common Couple Dynamic Patterns: Pursue-Withdraw

This is the most common pattern couples slip into when they are not doing well. It is most commonly seen in heterosexual couples, simply due to the way men and women are socialized to deal with emotions.

One partner (often the female) tries to begin a conversation about issues/concerns often. This is with the goal of resolution, problem-solving and connection. As frustration escalates due to a withdrawn partner, they try to elicit a response from their partner. This is especially problematic if angry attacking enters the attempts at communication.

The Withdrawer finds emotional conversations hard, activating their central nervous system.

So they are conflict avoidant in this pattern. They will either emotionally withdraw or leave the room, refusing  further conversation. This dynamic, in which one partner pursues and the other withdraws, leads to frustration and emotional distance, including unmet needs.

There is a sex/gender observation piece worth noting here. Women find intense emotional conversations relieves stress for them as they feel things are coming to the surface and getting resolved, hopeful. So emotional conversations result in lower stress chemicals being released and a calming effect on the central nervous system.

Men experience the exact opposite reaction. They tend to find emotional conversations hard as their flight response is activated, sensing threat to their cherished relationship. As a a result, they get increasingly stressed in emotional conversations making thinking and communication harder.

Sex and gender aside, it is important to determine which reaction is typical of you, as it will help identify needs and how to take care of each other in hard conversations.

Common Couple Dynamic Patterns: Withdraw-Withdraw

This is the pattern that is often the most concerning when it presents for couple therapy. This dynamic includes avoiding emotionally hard conversations.

The goal in not talking is fear of losing your relationship due to conflict. However, this is a pattern that will inevitably lead to disconnection and breakdown.

It is really hard to re-learn to talk about issues once we have gotten out of the habit of doing so.

The anger and resentment are still there, so living parallel lives can result.

The first step is reconnecting and re-engaging if this dynamic pattern is familiar. Learning to re-engage through the fear.

Common Couple Dynamic Patterns: Attack-Defend

This pattern includes a partner that comes in on the attack to begin communication. These attacks are often demanding and critical in nature.

The other partner becomes defensive, likely to protect their sense of self. This defensiveness can include counter-arguments Ex. Well you do this”…, certainly not solution-oriented. 

Once we feel we are behaving out of character in our relationship it can really erode our identity, so we will disconnect to self-protect.

Now What?

Did you see your relationship here? Is this a long solidified pattern or only emerging occasionally? It is terrifying regardless, right?

We need our relationships for survival. We are wired to be social. We are only as healthy as our relationships.

Are you the Pursuer?

Focus on softening your approach. This is because your goal is to get your partner talking and staying in the room with you, either literally or emotionally.

If you use non-blaming  “I” statements it will help you meet this goal of working through things together and feeling heard/seen.

Try “I really need to talk about the issues we have been facing recently. I’m afraid of losing you and want to find a way to meet each other’s needs and reconnect”.

Are you the Withdrawer?

It is paramount you find a way to stay in the emotional conversations your partner is asking for. What do you need to begin trying this?

Deep breathing can help. Short conversations can help to get started. Healthy boundaries, Ex. “I don’t want to be yelled at”.

Try this: “I really want to hear you, but I find it hard to stay present. I feel emotionally challenged. Can we try me just listening to you today? Then I can take time to think about what you said and try to talk about my thoughts in a few days. Can that be ok as a starting point?”.

In Conclusion:

Reflect on what you need to try a new, healthier way to communicate. Try starting with short conversations once a week. Stick to time allotted, then stop and practice self-care.

A good way to start is to talk about how to take care of each other after these new conversations.

Does it feel impossible? Do you need help?

We are here

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