Is Your Relationship in Trouble? Predictors of Divorce

The holiday season is a stressful time. Agitation and stress often increases conflict due to elevated stress chemicals released by the central nervous system (CNS).

This stressful time can also really highlight that our conflict style is not healthy anymore, rather than only seem to cause the problem this holiday.

Dr. John Gottman (more recently the Gottman’s, a husband and wife team) (WEBSITE) has been predicting divorce for many years, using observational research with couples (MARRIAGE BOOK-The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work).

This research has been ground-breaking and seminal as couples were observed live for long periods, and the 4 predictors of divorce ended up being very significant. This highlights that these 4 habits are simply put, deadly to relationships.

These 4 predictors are called The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a rather religious term that predicted the end to all things.

They are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

These are destructive to a relationship. Why?

Connection weakens over time. They introduce disrespect in the relationship.

I find we have a healthy voice that results in leaving a marriage to self-protect and maintain our sense of identity and worth, even if love is still present. It is simply self-preservation.

Let’s explore each of these 4 predictors in turn, breaking down what they look like in real time, on the ground and in couple conflict. 

Predictors of Divorce: Criticism

This is likely the most recognized predictor for most of us. This means our faults are being presented in a blaming way that either attacks our sense of self &/or insinuates our flaws are core to our character, rather than simply irritating behaviours we can change.

If a partner brings up an issue in a constructive way, it both indicates we can change it and it may also be their personal preference, but not a flaw in our behaviour/character.

Criticism is personal and blaming/attacking. Over time it can make you feel less than and worthless.

How to Shift It?

Use “I” statements. This avoids the character assassination and owns the issue as something you struggle with.

Ex. "I find it irritating when you don’t clean up after yourself as I feel compelled to do so to ensure a clean space”. This opens up the possibility for solutions and meeting in the middle without hurt feelings.

It is not our partner's job to do what we want, although trying to do so and accommodate each other makes our home a safer place.

Predictors of Divorce: Contempt

Contempt is the predictor that feels mean. When a person treats you with contempt you will likely feel belittled and condescended to.

It attacks our opinions, feelings and worth. It is designed to bring you down. You will feel covered in shame if it is effective.

Your partner is likely feeling hurt and disconnected not attempting the above, but as the result is shame and feelings of worthlessness, it is one of the powerful divorce predictors.

It is also laced in hate, another word similar to contempt. Ex. “Yes, of course you forgot. You always forget. You don’t care, at all, about my feelings, ever. You are a really selfish.” This is an example of a criticism laced in contempt.

How to Shift It?

Showing appreciation to your partner. Letting them know you respect them. This is crucial as contempt erodes admiration and eventually, connection.

Predictors of Divorce: Defensiveness

I feel the 2 next predictors are really reactionary to the first 2 and tend to develop in the order presented here. The Gottman’s research found the same thing.

Defensiveness is feeling you are almost always in a constant hypervigilant or “cringe” state as you are expecting criticism and contempt often in the relationship and this hurts. This results

in an over-sensitivity in which you feel everything you hear is critical and intentionally hurtful.

This can also include an angry or victimized state that feels awful. This likely includes blaming your partner and making excuses, making it hard to see your part in contributing to the toxic conflictual patterns described here. You likely see your partner as the sadist being mean and seeing you as worthless.

How to Shift It?

Take responsibility for your pieces and validate your partner’s feelings.

This will seem impossible as you feel focused on their pieces. But by owning your own, the dynamics shift, enabling them to be softer as they feel validated.

Predictors of Divorce: Stonewalling

This is state of shutdown and in the more extreme state, a complete shutting out of your partner. I feel this is reactionary to criticism and contempt, just like defensiveness.

This includes not wanting to hear another person’s feelings or respond to them. It is a withdrawal from hard conservations and may even include physically leaving.

The source is not meanness, but conflict avoidance and a deep fear of things getting worse and eventually losing your partner.

The partner being stonewalled is left feeling completely hopeless and shut out, there is no way out of this. They feel ignored, unheard and disrespected.

Stonewalling actually makes things worse, despite the attempt to avoid just this. It shuts down any possibility of repair and connection.

How to Shift It?

Find a way to emotionally regulate to stay in hard conversations. Even just listening counts.

But actively listening. Come back later and share your reflections if feeling flooded in the moment makes it simply too overwhelming to talk.

Conclusion

If all of the above is sadly too familiar, it is never too late. It requires working hard and staying committed to change. We are here to HELP too.

In the New Year a blog will be released that describes the typical problematic couple dynamics couple’s counsellors often see and how to begin shifting your dynamic to get the intimacy you crave.

REACH OUT

Lisa S.