Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Attachment Styles: A 4-Part Series Part 2- Avoidant Attachment

Attachment Style’s Series: Part 2- Avoidant Attachment

Attachment Styles- Introduction & Definitions

Attachment Styles is a concept that helps us understand how our childhood brain wires to relate to our primary caregiver, and eventually others. This is for survival. We bond as we are helpless and need a lot of care. Attachment Style Project

Is this completely new for you? For more Definitions see Part 1 -Anxious Attachment

There are 4 main Attachment Styles: Anxious/Preoccupied, Avoidant/Dismissive, Disorganized/Ambivalent and Secure. We will review each one over this 4-part series.

Avoidant Attachment - How It Develops

Avoidant Attachment develops when an infant perceives their caregiver as emotionally unresponsive. As a result, their emotional needs are not met. 

As an infant they may initially work really hard to engage, babble, smile and do all the evolutionary behaviours a human infant does to engage and get a caregiver to be motivated to care for them. But, eventually, inevitably, they shut down and stop initiating.

This may be a very depressed caregiver. This could be a traumatized caregiver that dissociates and/or struggles to be close to others, including being responsible for meeting other’s needs.

This may simply be a caregiver that is stressed, distracted and out of their depth. They may send a child outside all the time to “play on their own” for hours at a time. They may seem uninterested in the child, seem to find them a burden and the child learns to take little space and stay out of their way.

A hyper-reliance and extreme independence may form, in which the child learns to take care of themselves, learning not to expect much from others. They are really independent and seem to be fine, need nothing. They are an “easy” child. They learn to not really need anyone.

Avoidant Attachment - What It Looks Like In An Adult, Intimate Relationship

This is the dating partner you meet that seems initially perfect, “a dream come true”. They are independent, not emotionally needy, likely successful, seem so centred and in control.

The disconnection begins after you have been dating awhile. You have been connecting, spending time together… then they start getting busier. They seem to need more space, like a lot. You may start to feel lonely, surprised as it started out so great.

When you bring it up, they may say they also need you to be independent. Spend time with your friends. They are busy.

It seems the closer you get, they seem to disappear. You have a great vacation together, get home and they seem to disconnect even more than before. They spend all day, every day in the garage, working on a favorite hobby.

They don’t really seem to need you. You don’t feel you can bring your feelings to them as they don’t seem to get them. You may feel messy, they seem so calm.

The sex that was so great in the beginning seems to stop, they aren’t interested in physical affection. Or the sex begins to feel transactional, you are meeting their sexual needs but not connecting emotionally. You may feel a bit used afterwards.

The relationship starts to feel hollow. You feel alone, a lot.

If a partner has a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment, they likely tell themselves they just don’t really need anyone. In a breakup, this can be very traumatic to be on the receiving end of.

They seem emotionally cold, shut down. It may feel very logical and even strategic, like you never mattered. They may seem to move on really fast. It may feel they never really cared about you at all.

People with Avoidant Attachment have learned being close to people is unsafe, even hurtful. Their central nervous system is highly activated when in intimate settings/relationships as the feeling of being close to others is deemed unsafe, almost a threat. As a result, they need a lot of time away from that intimate partner to feel safe and regulated in the relationship.

Let me shock you. If you are dating a person that seems to fit here, they do feel close to you. You may be the most intimate relationship they have ever had. They need far less quality time to feel connected than you do. Too much activates their central nervous system and they need to withdraw to regulate it.

Avoidant Attachment - Flexibility

There is flexibility in every single Attachment Style. Clients may present knowing they have this way of being in relationship. Some people will identify it and want help.

They may have many dissatisfied past partners that complain they are emotionally unavailable. They may feel they choose partners that are jealous and insecure, emotionally needy.

This can be for several reasons. They may be attracted to Anxiously Attached people, as they experience them as a person that is motivated to meet their needs. How refreshing! They likely love the warmth these people being to their life.

They may not know how to give a partner what they want and also stay regulated. They feel unsafe in connection. If they have never had their emotional needs met, they do now know how to do this for others. They may tell themselves they don’t really have emotional needs as they shut them down, childhood needs weren’t met. They, therefore, may not understand all the emotions their partners have.

They also may trigger an Anxiously Attached partner, escalating their insecurities and related feelings.

All of this can bring them in to get help.

They can learn to stay in intimate conversations even when anxious internally. They can learn to communicate. They can learn to be emotionally available. They can learn to feel safe with a partner that supports them in this. They can learn to shutdown less.

COULPES THERAPY

MEET CLINIC TEAM

Avoidant Attachment - Healing and Treatment Considerations

The most important consideration here in getting help is that being close to people feels hard/unsafe. This will be activated with your therapist.

Pacing will be paramount to ensure you stay in the relationship and do the healing work. You are at high risk to decide you have learned a few things and leave prematurely.

There’s nothing wrong with starting with short-term therapy. You can learn some emotional intelligence and how to be more present as a partner.

But to heal your Attachment Style and genuinely feel people are now there for you and meet your needs, closeness is safe, simply takes time. It takes time to rewire the brain and relationships scripts that govern your attachments.

Stay tuned for Disorganized Attachment in the next Blog in this 4-Part Series. 

Lisa S.