Love Languages: Understanding Your Couple Connection

Are you trying to reconnect as a couple after a tumultuous holiday?

How have you connected in the past?

What connected you when you first met?

What are your needs now to feel connected once again?

Does help feel necessary? Couple Counselling Contact

Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? It has became more talked about over the years since Dr. Gary Chapman first introduced them.

The 5 Love Languages include: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts and Quality Time. Most people identify with 1-2 as their personal favs.

What I find interesting is most people speak to what their needs are in receiving love. The 5 love languages are also in reference to the natural way you love another person. They both may be the same or completely different. Ex. I may want to hear I am loved often verbally, but I cook elaborate meals to express love and gratitude to others.

What if you crave receiving love in a certain way and it is not at all natural to your partner?

What if you want physical touch, affection and sex but your partner has a sexual trauma history or chronic pain that gets in the way of them offering love in your preferred way?

Can you be flexible?

Can you develop the eyes to see how you ARE loved?

What if they show up with small gifts often and you don’t get gifts as an expression of affection? Feel you have enough “stuff”?

Let’s review each of the 5 languages below.

Dr. Gary Chapman's website

Dr Gary Chapman's Book

Love Languages: Physical Touch

The love language of Physical Touch includes either giving or receiving love physically in the broadest sense.

Hugging may come naturally, even shaped by cultural mores. You may hug everyone you meet! You may kiss on each cheek. You may want to cuddle your partner for hours after a tough day, after a fight.

Is sex your fav way to feel close and intimate?

Do you feel really disconnected if weeks pass without sex? Do you feel misunderstood in this need?

Remember that physical touch can be your preferred way to give and/or receive.

Did you and your partner used to spend hours cuddling, did you love the way they stroked your hair?

This can also show up in disconnection as well.

Does it feel like the physical affection used to be natural and it simply does not happen anymore at all, does not seem to be a priority?

Does this hurt and feels they are trying to communicate something?

Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

Do you never get sick of hearing how loved you are?

And this one goes way beyond the basics.  

You may need to hear verbal gratitude after you clean the house because guests are coming.

You may feel compelled to tell your partner you love their smile.

You may tell people how much they mean to you effortlessly. It may make you feel good to do so.

You may want to hear thanks and have a partner that does not want to thank you for taking care of your designated pieces in the relationship. Is this hard for you?

Love Languages: Acts of Service

This is one that can be overlooked.

Did you partner complain about the heat in their car being broken so you fixed it? Maybe they did not notice. Or maybe they complained and said they wish you would buy them flowers or spend more time with them, instead of working long hours.

Do you love cooking elaborate meals to express love and your partner does not enjoy food?

This is how incompatibilities play out. This may result in feeling disconnected.

Does coordinating your loved one’s life come naturally? It can result in them feeling taken care of and less stressed, less for them to worry about.

Or does it feel unseen and you feel annoyed you work so hard and it feels thankless? What are your needs here?

Love Languages: Receiving Gifts

There are those of us that simply love thinking of our loved person and bring them home something, with the goal to make them smile. You saw a fav thing that they would just love and pick it up, thinking of them.

If this is your preferred love language for receiving, you may love the idea a person spontaneously thinks of you and brings you a fav butter tart while they are out and about. It can feel so good to be thought of as they go about their day.

I find most people that resonate with this love language want to receive or offer gifts all the time, not only on holidays and major events. The spontaneous thought seems to go further.

Love Languages: Quality Time

Is simply spending time together what you need to reconnect after a conflict?

Do you want a date night after an exhausting week?

Does connecting over a shared activity make you feel loved and result in your cortisol levels dropping, relaxing?

Does the quality of the time matter quite a bit? Do you prefer phones off? Do you need particular activities that have always been the activity that connects the two of you?

Do you miss your partner deeply what they are busy? Away on business?

What is your love language? Take the test

Reconnecting

The 5 love languages is a great way to identify your needs and communicate as a couple to discuss both of your needs and express the desire to reconnect in a way that works best for each partner.

If you feel disconnected after an intense or conflictual holiday season:

Sit down together.

What created the disconnection?

What can we do so each of us feels connected again?

Which love language speaks to you?

Is a date night best?

Is some kind, loving words needed here?

There is nothing wrong with saying, seemingly spontaneously, “I feel disconnected. Can we grocery shop and cook a meal together this weekend. Try a new recipe”?

Make it part of regular communication.

Lisa S.