Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Attachment Styles: A 4-Part Series Part 4 - Secure Attachment

Attachment Style’s Series: Part 4- Secure Attachment

Attachment Styles- Introduction & Definitions

Attachment Styles is a concept that helps us understand how our childhood brain wires to relate to our primary caregiver, and eventually others. This is for survival. We bond as we are helpless and need a lot of care. Attachment Theory

Is this completely new for you? For more Definitions see Part 1 -Anxious Attachment

There are 4 main Attachment Styles: Anxious/Preoccupied, Avoidant/Dismissive,

Disorganized/Ambivalent and Secure. We will review each one over this 4-part series.

Secure Attachment - How It Develops

Secure Attachment develops when things are optimal. This means the primary caregiver is consistent in their ability and capacity to meet their child’s emotional needs.

Does this mean a perfect parent? Not necessarily…but who doesn’t want that? Lol.

Parents have issues/concerns and life goes on around them. Ex. Experience a prolonged illness.

It is really about several pieces:

The primary caregiver(s) find a way to be present and sooth/comfort the child in a good way, and in line with their child’s temperament.

Not all children are the same. Some are resilient dandelions and can grow anywhere without optimal conditions. Some are lovely, sensitive orchids that sense every feeling around them and need more emotional support, ideal conditions to thrive. However, dandelion and orchid kids are also, in part, created by their attachment experiences.

Community helps as well. Other caregivers the child can rely on as needed, when their primary caregiver can’t be there, makes a big difference. Ex. An involved grandparent, great friend.

The child learns that life can be hard, but the family will get through it together, they can rely on that.

Therefore, they develop a secure feeling in the world. They trust others are there for them and the world is a safe, loving place.

If there is a conflict, their parent gets upset with them, they will work it out and re-bond. They have experienced love as unconditional.

This creates an adventurous and/or resilient child that feels the world supports their endeavours and dreams. They have good self-esteem. They trust they can do volunteer work in another country and come back to a secure, loving family and home.

They trust people love and value them, want them around.

Secure Attachment - What It Looks Like In An Adult, Intimate Relationship

The Secure Attachment Style primes a person to be close to people in a healthy way. Their central nervous system is wired to be regulated when close to others.

However, a Securely Attached person can end up creating an Insecure Attachment in a challenging relationship with an Insecurely Attached partner. Just as it is possible to create a Secure Attachment in a healthy relationship, even if this was not your childhood experience.

Approximately half of the general population have a Secure Attachment Style. People with a Secure Attachment Style can often end up in a support role with a partner with an Insecure Attachment Style.

The super power of the Securely Attached person is they trust themselves and their emotional experience in intimate connection. This means if they have an Avoidantly Attached partner that needs a lot of emotional space to stay regulated, the Securely Attached partner will not personalize it. They can be more flexible in how they show up. With an Anxiously Attached partner, a Securely Attached person is in an optimal position emotionally to support a fearful partner. With a Disorganized Attached person there will be more emotional tolerance for inconsistency.

However, the Securely Attached person also has needs. It is important to communicate needs to a partner if they are creating harm towards you. Support your Insecurely Attached partner in communicating their needs, with boundaries and respect.  Couple Counselling

Secure Attachment - Flexibility

I have alluded to the Securely Attached person having the most potential for flexibility to securely connect with many people with acceptance.

Why? Having a childhood experience of consistent, loving caregiving results in feeling loved and valued. People were interested in you and your feelings/thoughts. This goes a long way in your ability to trust you can connect with people and learn new skills.

Emotional Intelligence can be learned if needed. So can communication skills.

Secure Attachment - Healing and Treatment Considerations

Having a Secure Attachment Style sets you in a great place to be resilient and supportive. It does not mean you cannot end up in a challenging relationship with people that struggle being close to others. You may end up feeling disconnected and irritable, not know where the insecurities are coming from.

When you spend years in a challenging relationship, it takes its toll and you will also need support and care, especially if your partner has a trauma history Ex. Sexual abuse. Trauma

MEET THE TEAM

Stay tuned for the final reveal! In a few weeks the entire 4-Part Series will be released as a full article on everything you’ve always wanted to know about attachment styles.

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Lisa S.