Lying To Your Therapist: Why You Do it and How to Heal
- Lisa Shouldice
- Jun 26, 2025
- 5 min read
I’ve been having really fun and informative chats recently on why we lie to our therapist, or withhold personal information.
Do you tell your therapist you drink half as much as you really do?
Do you just forget to mention a life-changing event in your personal history?
Or try to convince them you are doing better than you are?
This blog is for you!
Almost all of us are guilty in some way of lying to our therapist, most likely lies of omission. And we usually have a wise voice that feels we should tell our therapist, but…??
Why do we lie to our therapist?
How to get past it?
Trust the therapeutic process?
Even use it to heal?
The Reasons we lie to our therapist.
Trauma Reponses
The vast majority of the time we lie to our therapist we are lying by omission and we are likely lying to ourselves, first and foremost.
Surviving trauma can include dissociation or splitting. We try not to think about the trauma unless we absolutely have to do so Ex. symptoms become unbearable.
It is simply easier to talk about your new dating partner and unsatisfying sex than tell your therapist you were raped in college.
We also minimize the impact of trauma Ex. Yes, “my first sexual experience” was with my babysitter when I was 10 years old, but I liked it and it does not affect me now. So why would you bring it up?
We may be afraid if we admit to abuse out loud our symptoms will increase and we cannot avoid the ramifications any longer.
How do you trust anyone at all if you were abused by a person you knew or even multiple perpetrators?
You might struggle with addiction due to your personal trauma history. It is hard to remember life events and let feelings flow through you when you drink, use drugs etc. to deal with trauma impacts, calm your central nervous system.
We also experience shame when we have been abused, blame ourselves. Shame is heavy and hard to push thorough to talk about hard things. Shame is a silencer. When we believe we are even partly responsible for our abuse we assume others, including our therapist, will also believe this. You also may have family members that have said you were culpable, very harmful.
Therapists specialized and trauma informed know this and that it will take time for you to bring it up. And when you do, you will be ready and feel as safe as possible. It is so important to trust your gut.
Childhood Messaging/Modeling
Family dynamics impact how we talk about hard things, feelings.
Did you learn to lie to your parent? Did you fear judgement? Punishment?
If the people closest to you do not know parts of you, you may avoid responsibility for your actions. This can result in feeling you maintain your personal freedom, have a private part of yourself that is only yours, belongs to you.
What was modeled by your parents?
Did they lie to you? Each other?
Did one of them have a whole other life they tried to keep separate?
Were there unsaid rules, you knew what not to bring up?
All of this impacts your relationship to telling people the truth about you, your thoughts and feelings. This also plays out in your therapeutic relationship.
Attachment
Do have an insecure attachment, fearing those closest to you will leave you? An avoidant attachment, fear of getting close to others, so you avoid it altogether?
If this sounds familiar, you will also fear your therapist will abandon you. You may fear they will judge you, decide you are too much, too broken and you will lose them right as you are getting vulnerable and need them the most. May feel too risky.
Are you a people pleaser? You may want your therapist to like you. Or convince them that they are good at their job and you are doing well, progressing quickly.
You may find it hard to admit to regression/relapse. You may be afraid your therapist will be upset if you are talking about a toxic ex-partner in sessions, and then the two of you get back together.
All terrifying right?
Therapeutic Specific Issues
There are topics very specific to the therapeutic relationship that can impact your ability to be honest with your therapist.
Suicidal thoughts or, what we call, suicidality. A therapist has to address suicidality/report it if they feel you are at acute risk to get you care, keep you safe. So you may be afraid to tell your therapist you sometimes have passive suicidal thoughts when life gets really hard.
You may fear what your therapist will write in their notes and it becoming a public record, Ex. I drink before work.
You might be afraid your insurance company will get information on your sessions and related diagnostics.
Therapeutic issues like this can create a lot of fear of exposure in various ways. You may fear ramifications from a mental health diagnosis.
What if you disclose a seizure and your driver’s license is taken away?
These are all thoughts more specific to the profession of Psychotherapy and other more medical professionals.
How do you feel safe disclosing in all this?
Lying to Your Therapist: The Path to Healing
I hope all of the above has led to you feeling you are certainly not alone in worrying that either you don’t tell your therapist everything or even lie. It is part of the process.
It is part of getting to know any person and test them out, tell them something a bit vulnerable, then monitor their reaction.
It is part of therapy to realize after a session, Oops! I lied! Why did I do that? That won’t help me get better! Please tell your therapist so you can work it out, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
I have worked years with a client before they feel comfortable telling me about a particular hard piece of their history, something triggers it and they need support. I have had a client email me saying there is something they have to tell me next session so I know to ask. There is no right or wrong way to heal and learn to better trust.
I trust in the therapeutic/healing process as I have witnessed its awesome power continuously for over 20 years. I trust you will disclose as you are ready to do so.
Is it related to your therapeutic goals in some way? Ex. Are you seeing a therapist as you are having a secret extra-marital affair and working on trying how to be honest?
Bring it up indirectly if that means addressing it in a new, healing way. Ex. I keep secrets from you. What is that like? Does this feel important to do right now?
I especially want to address the last section in the above portion of this Blog, Therapeutic Specific Issues.
The truth is that your therapist has legal and ethical limits to confidentiality. Some of these fears are real.
Ask us about it. We all have different ways of handling this as well. What would your therapist do if you brought up suicidal thoughts? Self-harm? Ask us. You need to know so you can feel safe. Tell us what you need.
Some of the above mentioned Therapeutic Specific Issues may not be true. I only provide mental health information to an insurance company if that is a stipulation of the work. I would know this beforehand and disclose it to you. Otherwise, your personal information is your business.
So please ask about any concerns you have. It is important to feel safe and heal. How you feel safe and show up can change too.
It is all part of the amazing healing journey we embark on when we enter that space. So take a risk and bring it up. See what happens.
Lisa S.
